Dear Mak

Assalamualaikum Dear Mak,

How are you? I’ve always been wondering your conditions there. I hope that you receive all my doa for you. Hope God regards me as a good daughter despite all bad deeds I’ve done and granted my doa for you. Hope you will never out of lights there.

Mak, I don’t know if you can read this or not, as most of the matters from the other world are not within our knowledge. But I really want you to know that most of the time, I always think of you, especially after I became a mother. Do you know mak, I am now going to enter 31yrs and have 2 children. You know at this age I lost in most aspect in my life compared to you. You had me the 7th child when u were 31. And do u remember, mak, in your last year you asked me to boil water, i didn’t even know how to do that. How spoiled I was. Not because you didn’t teach me, but I remember that I refuse to do house chores all the time. I am sorry mak. But I have learnt the lesson now.

The first few years I suffered because I don’t know how to manage my house. At the same time have to juggle between the tiring work 5 day a week, 9-5. My first baby was so poor, he didn’t had chance to be raised properly in his early years. Bad teeth, skinny, are among the results of it. But alhamdulillah he is very active and clever, Allah protects him for me.

Then Allah give me 2nd chance, a daughter. I hope I can do well this time. Oh yes mak, I introduce you, Fateh and Fayha, my little angels. I hope I can still make up for Fateh. I dont want him to feel lonely and lack of attention. He is my best buddy. Mak, how was me when i was little? I really missed this kind of conversations with you. I always imagine you meeting my children and comparing them with me when I was little. How cute would that be. I wonder if we can do that later in that world.

Mak, although we spent only 13 years together, I want to thank you so much for giving such a lovely memory for me. Not only that. Although I didnt know how to boil water when you left me, but now I can cook, mak. At least for my tiny family. All I have is the memory of taste of each dishes you used to feed us. I am looking forward to learn more. Hope it’s not too late. I always remember you said ‘Buat je’ whenever I complained so much homework to do. Thus, mak, I want to thank you for being a good cook and being there for me, always. You can’t imagine how much I lost these years without you. The most saddening things is, I didn’t know I was lost, until recently.

Mak, you know the biggest tragedy ever happened to me? I am very afraid of this world and I don’t know how to decide in most things. Now I am not working and not dare to apply any jobs anymore. I am stuck between the task of a woman (not yet mention mother) and career woman. All these things are so heavy for me. Other people may saying this as an excuse, but me struggling and feeling like a soul trapped between earth and sky. I wonder what will you advise, I’d like to hear.

Mak, I hope and struggling to be the best I can, although seems late. For Fateh and Fayha, sometimes I can see things differently because of them. I am on my own now.I don’t have you anymore. This empty feeling, I just realize. May Allah guide me the right way, give me the strength and capability… to move on and to change to betterment.


Rest in peace, mak. Miss you a lot.


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